Without Rivalry
Author: admin

Family rivalry and emotional immaturity by Marshall Colt, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Colt: I have been married for two months now and already on the brink of divorce. My mother is very manipulative and controlling. She has been emotionally abusive toward me my entire life. I have a 17 year-old stepson. My husband’s concerned his son will lose another mother figure. My family believes in a very tight, close-knit family. I am so torn that I don’t want anything to do with them. But every time I get on the phone with them I let them make me upset and feel guilty and then I end up crying and the whole house is in an emotional uproar. My husband is afraid he is going to be labeled the bad guy because he is trying to get me to stand up to them. I love him and our son very much. He has tried to reverse all of the emotional damage my mom has created. I would do anything to keep this family together. I have lost other relationships because of my family. How do I hold on to this one? How do I prove to him that he is not alone? — Del Mar
Dear Del Mar: It seems the transition from considering your family-of-origin as your family to thinking of your husband and your stepson as your family is difficult for you and your mother. You are not powerless or without choices. Keep in mind you are choosing to “let them make [you] upset and feel guilty.”
I suggest you meet with your mother (and others) to have your say and say it. That will take courage. Do you have it? Then, unless you enjoy being victimized, distance yourself from your mother when she becomes controlling and manipulative. If your family-of-origin continues to negatively impact your marriage, it may be necessary to choose between the two.
Dear Dr. Colt:Â My fiance is out of control. He runs a struggling business and brings it home with him, throwing temper tantrums and taking it out on me. I’m sick of his whining how everyone at work is to blame, and me being blamed for everything else that goes wrong. He’s always been spoiled, but now I’m supposed to forgive his pathetic, high drama hissy fits because he’s “under stress.” It’s all about him. What can I do? — Jackie
Dear Jackie: Under stress, we can feel powerless. Getting angry mitigates that feeling, infusing us with the illusion of being in control again.
Learning effective stress-reduction and coping techniques will not only benefit your fiance and you, but can be used the rest of your lives to live happier and healthier. However, a more serious issue seems to surface when your fiance is under stress.
Many adults are what we call “Blamers.” They have not grown up; too often behaving like adolescents or younger. They are in misery. Misery likes company.
Easily wounded, blamers fear and cannot tolerate the anxiety of admitting their responsibility for situations resulting from their own errors and omissions. Their defense is to upbraid others, often in a torrent of accusations.
Blamers overestimate themselves and denigrate others, characteristically bending the truth or dispensing with it altogether. Like your fiance, they are–out of fear–practiced in shifting responsibility, usually by bullying. “And, by God, now it’s your duty to help me!”
Blamers can learn to behave differently. However, many don’t have the insight and courage to do so. If your fiance lacks the emotional intelligence to recognize and accept responsibility for his behavior, not much will change. You may want to hit the road, Jack-ie.
About the Author
Dr. Marshall Colt is Executive Director of Advance Counseling San Diego/La Jolla.
Pasko Kuzman – we are without any RIVALRY
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A Room of My Own $9.73 A lot about the birthing experience has changed during the past 50 years. A lot about child psychology hasnf_(tm)t. For example, sibling rivalry: sometimes, a kid just isnf_(tm)t ready for some little squirt to come along and invade his space his own room. So what if theref_(tm)s an extra bed in the room_Yisnf_(tm)t that were the stuffed animals are supposed to sleep? How could a couple of otherwise sensible parents just bring a new kid home without even consulting their very own son? Still, a younger sibling can be …. |
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A Study in Case Rivalry: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Genitive and the Accusative $24.22 New – This is an OCR edition without illustrations or index. It may have numerous typos or missing text. However, purchasers can download a free scanned copy of the original rare book from the publisher’s website (GeneralBooksClub.com). You can also preview excerpts of the book there. Purchasers are also entitled to a free trial membership in the General Books Club where they can select from more than a million books without charge. Subtitle: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Genit |
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A Study in Case Rivalry: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Genitive and the Accusative $24.22 Used – This is an OCR edition without illustrations or index. It may have numerous typos or missing text. However, purchasers can download a free scanned copy of the original rare book from the publisher’s website (GeneralBooksClub.com). You can also preview excerpts of the book there. Purchasers are also entitled to a free trial membership in the General Books Club where they can select from more than a million books without charge. Subtitle: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Geni |
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A Study in Case Rivalry: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Genitive and the Accusative $13.56 Used – This is an OCR edition without illustrations or index. It may have numerous typos or missing text. However, purchasers can download a free scanned copy of the original rare book from the publisher’s website (GeneralBooksClub.com). You can also preview excerpts of the book there. Purchasers are also entitled to a free trial membership in the General Books Club where they can select from more than a million books without charge. Subtitle: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Geni |
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A Study in Case Rivalry: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Genitive and the Accusative $13.56 New – This is an OCR edition without illustrations or index. It may have numerous typos or missing text. However, purchasers can download a free scanned copy of the original rare book from the publisher’s website (GeneralBooksClub.com). You can also preview excerpts of the book there. Purchasers are also entitled to a free trial membership in the General Books Club where they can select from more than a million books without charge. Subtitle: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Genit |
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A Study in Case Rivalry: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Genitive and the Accusative $15.19 Used – This is an OCR edition without illustrations or index. It may have numerous typos or missing text. However, purchasers can download a free scanned copy of the original rare book from the publisher’s website (GeneralBooksClub.com). You can also preview excerpts of the book there. Purchasers are also entitled to a free trial membership in the General Books Club where they can select from more than a million books without charge. Subtitle: Being an Investigation Regarding the Use of the Geni |
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American Football in Alabama: Iron Bowl $43.61 New – Chapters: Iron Bowl. Source: Wikipedia. Pages: 54. Not illustrated. Free updates online. Purchase includes a free trial membership in the publisher’s book club where you can select from more than a million books without charge. Excerpt: The Iron Bowl is a common name for the college football game between the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and the Auburn University Tigers. The series is considered one of the best and most hard-fought rivalries in all of sports. As the rivalry was mainly |
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